29 July 2012

Nessinator: Top 5 Scottish Media Cunts [sic]

by The Nessinator | CRO Special Guest

Editor's note: We're happy to welcome the first of CRO's many special guests, former RFC employee and all around arsehole, The Nessinator.

His new manager Tony Pulis has asked us to ease up on the editing of Nessi's pieces for fear that excessive negative remarks may cause prolonged spells in the trainer's room. Seeing as we think Pulis is a top bloke, and his Stoke teams play some of the finest football this side of a prison yard, we're happy to oblige.

So here is The Nessinator's first cut on CRO. And may we stress again: [sic]


The Nessinator has made himself at home in the physio room in Stoke, I don’t have much to do down here, all my pals are away spending their signing on fees kidding on it was hard to leave Rangers. Note that I said Rangers there, not New Rangers, not Newco Rangers, not Sevco, not “Rangers” as one of our smug friends in the media takes such delight in calling us. Simply Rangers, the same club we’ve been for 140 years, since Davie Weir was a fresh faced 24 year old.

While I’m down here waiting 8 months for a calf strain to heal I will be writing a blog for the good folks at The Copland Road Organization in my spare time in between being injured and pretending I’m Batman.

With the situation at Rangers finally dying down (though don’t hold your breath there’s certainly more blood to be squeezed out of that particular stone) it’s a good time to turn our attentions to the people who have enjoyed and benefited most from this. Who is that you ask? No not Celtic, nor the SPL, certainly not the SFA who’s leadership is as welcome as an iceberg on the Titanic, no the real winners were none other than our friends in the media.

In the goldfish bowl of Scottish football the sensationalist and downright stupid members of our media must have felt like a kid at Christmas, no longer would they need to go into the wilderness to hunt for a juicy story, they would be dining on the carcass of our troubles for quite some time, a few are even now attempting to pick the bones. It’s about time someone had their say about some of these clowns now that they’ve had their say about us, let’s take a look at my top 5.

5. Jim Delahunt

Delahunt is a lifelong Celtic supporter, so it’s no surprise he’s the most miserable looking cunt on the face of the planet, it’s also no surprise that his views on the Rangers saga are at best dubious and worst full on lies.

Jim’s most notable achievement is being the longest running miserable fucker on TV. If it wasn’t bad enough that he talks utter tripe when it comes to all things Rangers his face looks like he’s been having a wank and accidentally thought about his maw at the point of ejaculation. What gained wee Jim his place at number 5 on the list however was that he “Really hopes Ally was just pandering to fans with comments tonight (Referring to McCoist’s comments about a lack of leadership at the SFA.) Guy I knew wouldn't actually think that way. Too intelligent.” Oh dear oh dear Jim, it takes an admirable level of bitterness to hate Rangers so much you would claim the SFA isn’t lacking leadership, so fair play to him for being that much of a dick.

4. Jim Spence

Jim might look like Simon Cowell’s spastic brother but he’s actually part of the BBC’s continued effort to have a wee pop at Rangers and kid on you never thing they’ve got going on. Jim writes a blog on Scottish lower division football which has a 6 figure traffic rate by  6 figure I mean of course mean “6 people” and by traffic rate I mean “think his blog is shite.” Jim took merry delight in explaining why big bad Rangers had to be punished, having of course written a blog about Dundee a few years earlier explaining how It was awful, just awful that the SFA might punish them for their 2nd round of admin, he’s been AWOL from twitter since that particular blog entry surfaced a month ago.

3. Andy Coyle

A fairly unremarkable young man and a journalist for STV. Not much of note I hear you say? Andy Coyle is a worst cunt because unlike Delahunt and Spence who are good enough to nail their colours to the mast while being bitter and talking shite about us, Coyle makes his smug little twitter comments while not having the bollocks to even admit he’s a Celtic fan, anyone who follows Mr.Coyle on twitter will be well aware that the guy takes extreme pleasure in discussing “Newco Rangers” with the same delight as a man who’s just pissed in your cornflakes. We know you hate us Andy, at least be a man about it.

2. Graham Spiers

Where do you start with the golfist? He is without doubt the most arrogant stupid puddle of a human being I’ve ever come across, his comments on Rangers aren’t biased or hateful they are just ill informed to the point you seriously doubt if he actually knows anything about what’s going on, he even claimed recently that Stewart Regan wanted Rangers in the SPL! Despite the many statements from clubs around the country confirming that he would veto a “yes” vote to our application for transfer of membership, don’t be shocked if you get a twitter message off Spiersy asking why Rangers aren’t playing in the SPL this week and asking if the game was delayed, he’s as out of touch with the situation as Craig Whyte is with reality. I think it would be best if Graham stuck to golf, his half arsed arrogant and ignorant style is more suited to talking about golf bats and diamond print sweaters than football. Also he looks like he could potentially be Jedward’s da so that’s another reason that Graham Spiers is a massive arsehole!

There was only ever going to be one winner of this award though, one man who took his nonsense to another level entirely time and again….

1. Alex Thomson

Toxic Tomo was late to the party but he wasted no time getting stuck in with half-truths and some seriously made up sensationalist bullshit, at one point claiming Rangers were morally corrupt for trying to agree a CVA and that we owed everyone in Scotland £20. Other offenses for Toxic Tomo range from taking a horrible smug pleasure from referring to us as “The Rangers” he either gets a pound or a hardon every time he does it, to mocking the Ibrox disaster and feigning ignorance having of course referred to it in his blog a week earlier.  So for the love of fuck someone give this clown his 20 quid and his award for biggest knob-end so he can piss off back to Channel 4 and proof read Hollyoaks scripts.

These lovely gentlemen are but the tip of the iceberg in the feeding frenzy that has become the Rangers story since wee Shooter McGavin rolled into town and fiddled with our taxes, I have no doubt as some of you read this you said to yourself “WHERE’S THAT CUNT ?!”  Which is all the more reason why Rangers fans need to stick together and listen to the people at the club who have our best interests at heart and to the journos out there who actually do a decent honest job, they are out there, sadly so are the likes of Alex Thomson.

It’s time for the Nessinator to take an ice bath with a nurse and a bag of chips! If you enjoyed this blog then you’re a cool guy. If you never then please feel free to not contact me about it, plus yer a dick and your maw’s a bawbag.