30 August 2012

Nessinator on: The Current RFC Squad

by The Nessinator | CRO special guest | @JamieFukinNess |

Nessinator's back again, although we've been warned by Tony Pulis that if we don't leave him in the bubble wrap the whole time he's under our care that he may not grace our step again.

Thankfully, I had some time during the power outage last night to build a padded room addition onto our home. No worries, Tony! Nessi's safe here.

Anyway, here's the Nessinator on the new-look Rangers. As always, unedited and maybe a little bit jacked up from all the painkillers.

The bench at Stoke is a lonely place, none of these cunts sitting next to me speak English, even the lads from Stoke, if that’s English then Neil Lennon loves the Rangers. Since I’ve no pals down here I decided to write my latest blog from the bench while my new team mates draw 38 games in a row.

There’s been more people evicted from Ibrox than the big brother house in the last couple of weeks, so much so that people say to me “hey Nessinator, after all the comings and goings what would your Rangers starting XI be?” and I reply “Well person I made up for the purpose of this blog intro, I don’t actually know.” Since this fake conversation took place I’ve been giving it some thought to the new Rangers squad, so let’s take a look at the first team in a way that will be in no way accurate or helpful, much like every other thing I’ve written.

Neil Alexander – Poor Neil, he’s the football equivalent of being in the friend-zone, for years he played second fiddle to shagging legend and all round Judas Allan ‘I betrayed my wife and club’ McGregor, but times have changed for Neil! He’s out of the friend-zone and shacked up with the number 1 shirt! Sadly for Neil it’ll probably only be a rebound relationship, let’s just hope he doesn’t drop a clanger in the meantime.

Carlos Bocanegra – Captain Carlos looks like he’s on Mars with the probe taking photos of rocks. Boca looks like he wants out and you can’t blame him, his position is in danger, who wants to lose their position as a Tom Cruise stunt double? I hope he stays at Rangers, because sometimes I like to listen to AMERICA FUCK YEAH! And if he’s gone we will be yankless.

Kirk Broadfoot – The foot is going, going, gone. It won’t be the same round Ibrox without him galloping down the right, he was always happiest doing that, then if he put in a good cross the gaffer would give him a sugar cube and stroke his mane. When he finds a new gig hopefully it’s not Stoke, the last thing I need is a poached egg injury.

Emílson Cribari – I am reliably informed by Wikipedia this guy is a centre back, so expect to see him playing left back while Lee Wallce plays right mid because Barry McKay has been sent to right back to replace Broadfoot. I literally know nothing about Emílson Cribari, the internet says he won the Supercoppa Italiana with Lazio in 2009 but I think the SFA have took that off him now.

Sébastien Faure – Seb has never played a first team game! (according to Wikipedia, which other than the Celtic players pages that I’ve ‘Improved’ I just assume is right about everything.) He’s played for the France under 17’s-20’s so it’s safe to assume that he’s shit hot because Yaya Sanogo in Football Manager is shit hot and also hasn’t played a first team game and played for the France unders, flawless logic.

Ross Perry – He might look like a posh toff wank shaft but the lad can play! I like Ross Perry, just as friends though, he’s not my type. His foot doesn’t work properly or something thought so we might not see much of him this season, he’s missing a toe or a toe nail, who knows I wasn’t really paying attention last season I was counting all the money my agent told me he could get me for being a back stabbing little dipshit. Anyway he’s a good player he should start when he’s fit.

Lee Wallace – My favourite part about Lee Wallace was that he hadn’t been paid for and it really got it up the paedo protection squad over at Tynecastle. He’s a quality left back but I miss the Papac, we signed him from Rapid Vienna when PLG was in charge did you know that? Yes, yes you did but ESPN told us every fucking week anyway.

Anestis Argyriou – He’s a Greek defender…….I’ve got nothin’ I can’t even pronounce the guys name, it look’s like a baby bashed the keyboard, which is actually how they name people in Greece and Poland, that’s true facts, no it wasn’t racist, it wasn’t! Shut up Ashley I didn’t call you a choc ice.

Ian Black – Super cunt! It’s like being pals with the terminator, only better because after Ian Black is done killing cunts from the past he can do your front room for a competitive price. I’m thinking of hiring him to go into the past to take out Craig Whytes maw, ergo eliminating Craigy Whyte from history and saving Rangers from administration, then getting him to paper my hall, we’ll see how he does with the time travel murdering part first then we’ll talk wall paper.

Lewis MacLeod – He’s had a great start, but due to Ally’s formation which I’ve taken to calling the Eton Mess, I’m not entirely sure where MacLeod is meant to play, some say he’s a forward, some say he’s a winger, some say he actually plays through the middle, all I know is he’s called the stig! He’s easy on the eye is Lewis, so is his sister! Offt! Any of you follow her on twitter? Yes please Miss MacLeoad!

Lee McCulloch – The Jigatron! The Jiggymac! The Jigavic! We all love Lee McCulloch, you know what you’re getting with Jig, tits teeth and elbows. Ally seems to have moved him back into the middle of the park which seems strange to me because Jig is as mobile as David Murray running away from the tax man. Wherever he plays, whenever he plays I think we can all agree he’s awesome, I wish he was my dad.

Dean Shiels – Now I know what you’re all expecting here but it’s not going to happen, we are all learned men who appreciate good wholesome comedy and who would be involved in such childish comedy? Not EYE! AHHHH! Reeled you in and battered you to death with a club! Classic fishing. Anyway Deano looks a bit of a player and he hates the tims….probably so he’s tops in my book plus he turned down some diddy SPL clubs to be here so hopefully we see a lot of him this season, because he won’t be seeing much of us! 2-0!

Kevin Kyle – Presumably a garden shed didn’t fancy playing in division 3 if we’ve signed Special K. He’s been injured all around Britain has Kev, seemingly retired life didn’t agree with him because he decided to come back and collect a wage for doing fuck all at Rangers, which was his specialty while at Hearts, Ally must have been on the booze with Bomber when he okayed this one, maybe if we send him down the pub Alan Thompson will lose him.

Andrew Little – Wee Andy spent his summer fishing…fishing for steroids by the look of him, he’s come back fitter than ever this season and rocking a 6-pack, not the kind of 6-pack Thommo drinks when he’s losing stuff, the 6-pack that makes us all feel like a failure as a man and a human-being, that kind of 6-pack. He’s started the season in fine form and is putting new signings upfront to shame.

Barrie McKay – Wee Baz is having a stormer so far! He looks like the kinda guy who would steal your car if he wasn’t in the most over paid profession on the planet, hes traded a life of ASBO’s for WAG’s and thank fuck he has because the lad has a trick or two, hopefully one of his tricks isn’t a disappearing act because Everton are interested, if I ever met Davie Moyes I’d kill him to death with a hammer STOP STEALING OUR PLAYERS EVERTON!

Francisco Sandaza – Last on the list is fittin for Franny, because the cunt is slower than Duff and Phelps selling a football club. The horse faced lesbian has so far looked slowed confused and slightly baffled, maybe it’s this playing in front of a crowd bother that’s got him out of sorts, being a former St. Johnstone player he probably had more team mates than supporters last season so we must give him time to adjust to his new surroundings. However Ally has to be careful, playing Franco and Kevin Kyle at the same time could result in time just stopping dead, that would suck, I wouldn’t ever get to see Martin Kemp win celebrity big brother……I hope we sign Martin Kemp, he can’t be worse than Kyle.

What a squad of players, I’m sure now with a little help from your friendly neighbourhood Nessinator you can all name your preferred starting XI. If you can’t please feel free to contact Britney about it and make your feeling known with nasty things about him and his wife “Hi Graham, personally I don’t know if Ross Perry should start every week, your wife’s a filthy filthy whore, Kind Regards Andy” that sort of thing. Alternatively you could just disagree with me on twitter @JamieFukinNess but my way is much more fun. Time to go and beg Tony not to sign Broadfoot and to change his look, its unnerving having a shower at the training ground when your manager looks like a massive sex offender, the tims can relate to that I’m sure.