05 August 2012

Nessinator's Scottish Fitba Olympics [sic]


by The Nessinator | Special Guest


Editor's note: We're happy to welcome back former RFC employee and all around arsehole The Nessinator for his second round on the CRO. 

Tony Pulis has thanked us personally for taking it easy on the wee broken one, so we're going to stick with our policy of posting his blogs as-is, the same way we receive them. (Sans the trainers tape residue.)

So here is take two of The Nessinator, and may we stress again: [sic]

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Britain has Olympic fever, with so many roid filled super junkies, each more roid filled than the next going for gold in sports none of us have heard of or care about, such as toff clay shooting and the making a horse look gay competition, which to be fair is quite an accomplishment, it seems as good a time as ever to reflect on the Scottish Football Olympics which this year boasts some of the most hotly contested Olympic events ever made up by me for a blog. 

The opening ceremony was delayed by Duff and Phelps so much that it hasn't actually happened, Brian Kennedy assures me that he tried to make it happen and that clearly Duff and Phelps had some devious plan to foil him and it was nothing to do with his opening ceremony having no content whatsoever (That’s a wee thinker that joke so take a pause if you need it.) 

Sadly Gary O'Connor was banned from competing in the Scottish Football Olympics following a failed drugs test, he then tried to enter under a false name but raised suspicion when the name read 'Jememmy Joston', when confronted about the fake name Mr O'Connor ran away and hasn’t been seen since. Let’s take a look at who managed to write their name in the record books this year.

800m Freestyle Bullshitting:

Bronze: Craig Whyte - Craigy put in a solid effort in the bullshitting this year, lurching from lie to lie and pulling off the extremely tricky lawyer empty threat move which scores well on difficult but sadly for the Whyte Lightning the marks for execution were poor and he didn't quite stick the landing leaving him in 3rd place.

Silver: Bomber Brown – A fantastic showing from the unfancied Bomber who, with the aid of coach Andy Goram, stormed to a silver with 2 weeks of some seriously competitive bullshit ranging from demanding to see titles deeds to hijacking fans meetings. What really took the medal for Brown however was his fake takeover bid for the club, any day now bomber, any day.

Gold: Giovanni Di Stefano – There was only ever going to be one winner when mad Gio entered the race. Di Stefano is the Michael Phelps of bullshit, the undefeated champion of nonsense set out his stall early with a series of bizarre YouTube videos and money calculations he had clearly done on a child’s fisher price calculator. With the race for the gold heating up GDS responded in trademark style by announcing he has contacted the FBI to investigate the Rangers saga. The legendary champion of bullshit is a great example to kids out there who feel they can bullshit at a professional level. Congratulations Gio you fucking lunatic.

The Sporting Integrity Heptathlon:

Bronze: Kilmarnock – The Sporting Integrity Heptathlon is a team sport, Chairman and fans must work in unison to achieve the highest level of hate for Rangers while masking it as having the best interests of the sport at heart. Chairman Michael Johnstone badly let the team down in the SPL vote portion of the event with a DNF to his name. The fans were disappointed with MJ for letting the team down but saved it for bronze by pathetically begging Celtic fans to keep their stupid little diddy club solvent.

Silver: St. Mirren – The Saints were delighted with a silver as it’s the only fucking thing they are going to win from now until the end of time as they are to football what I am to serious journalism. Having had to put a fan takeover bid on hold and knowing that going for a medal in the Sporting Integrity Heptathlon could see job losses and possibly administration the plucky Saints refused to quit and managed a fan/chairman performance in unison. Nicely done lads, if only you could take that to the bank!

Gold: Motherwell – Cash Converters United just piped the Saints to the gold medal position with some of the best (and by best I of course mean fucking retarded) Sporting Integrity seen in years. The Well played on a beach for about 10 years and aren’t long out of admin but with just over 500 fans saying they hated Rangers, sorry I mean with just over 500 fans fighting for Sporting Integrity the club landed a huge ‘No’ vote in the SPL vote, consequences be dammed! Congrats M’well let’s hope to fuck you can find a buyer for this medal at a car boot sale in Gretna.

100m Dash out of Europe:

Bronze: St. Johnstone – What an effort from St. Johnstone, clocking an impressive 9.87 seconds in Europe. They were expected to perform well here and let no one down, falling at the first hurdle. I’ve literally had wanks that have lasted longer than St. J in Europe…..and yes I do mean literally not figuratively, god I’d be good at sex if girls would let me do it on them, I really need to ask big Chedy Evans how he does it, he’s a Predator with the ladies…sorry emm yeah well done to St. Johnstone for securing a sponsorship deal with laughing cow cheese or whatever the point of this part was.

Silver: Motherwell – Aye the Well! Placing in the medals again, they don’t fuck about do they? Having been bawhumped in their ‘Champions League’ opener by Panathinikos (let’s be honest though the day we start calling a qualifier a Champions League game is the day I start saying I’ve fucked Tulisa cause I’ve saw her fumble her way through a shite blowjob) the Well secured the silver by also failing to fill the stadium to watch said bawhumping. Only 9,000 people turned up to watch the match which is 2/3 capacity, how shocking is that, one of the most pathetic excuses for a Premier League club in the world. Anyway well done to St. Johnstone for securing a sponsorship deal with laughing cow cheese or whatever the point of this part was.

Gold: Rangers – YAAAAAS! THE GERS WON SOMETHING! While other teams weren’t even in the starting blocks Craig Whyte has stolen the starting pistol and shot the account and the tax man before turning the gun on himself which meant that Rangers were out of Europe before the race even started for doing bad things with money, meaning we finished in 0.0 seconds, which is only slightly slower than Usain Bolt does the 100m. Nice one Rangers! Sadly we are hearing that SFA supremo and captain of the women’s Paralympic cricket team Stewart Regan has demanded Rangers are stripped of the gold and banned from winning for the next 200 years, harsh……harsh but fair I suppose. Sporting integrity and all.

The (Not) Fit and Proper Marathon:

Bronze: Neil Doncaster – SPL Chief Exec and all round mega cunt Doncaster takes the bronze for his attempts to lie, cheat and bully the SFL teams. Mad Square heed just missed out on a medal in the 800m Freestyle Bullshitting for claiming that he was willing to consider league reconstruction to keep 16 million revenue in the game (a result of Rangers being in Division 1) having claimed 12 months ago league reconstruction would cost Scottish Football 20 million, it’s that sort of business acumen, logic, back tracking and grasp of primary 1 level maths that earn you a place at the top table of Scottish football with the rest of the special class, well done Neil but remember mate its B R O N Z E not chocolate so don’t fucking eat it ya goon.

Silver: Stewart Regan – Oh Stew where do we start with you buddy, you wrote the book on not being fit and proper, then didn’t bother to enforce it. His time in charge of the SFA has been one blunder after another. He is incompetent to the point of being the love child of Mr Bean and the Chuckle Brothers (Jezza Kyle DNA test coming up to work out if Paul or Barry is the dad.) When it comes to not being fit and proper Stewart Regan’s CV reads like no other in the business, be it wanting players hung on twitter or being called out as a liar by several SFL clubs. Recently he’s been pretending he’s going to keep his job and nothing is wrong, also the tanks are not in the city, Iraq cannot be taken, the Americans are being pushed back, fuck off Stewart ya clown!

Gold: Craig Whyte – It fucking had to be didn’t it? Craig came best prepared for the contest, having bought the club with fans money, used that money to prove to David Murray (who’s money it actually was) that he had enough funds to complete the takeover, been banned as a company director and conned some old woman out of her pension, also I hear he killed a bag of cats for a fiver and is Ched Evans pimp. What really got Craigy the gold though was that despite all this information being on Google from day 1 no one seemed to have bothered to check minus the BBC 6 months after the Shytster had executed his Scooby doo style plan, and he woulda got away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky tax kids being able to read a bank statement. 

A special mention of course must go to Dundee United who had taken a gold in the judo competition, beating the Russians in the process. Of course as they were competing in the 100m dash out of Europe at the time they have been disqualified from both competitions, the Scottish papers blame the Russians, how dare the react to having things thrown at them from above during a game of football. 

I better go, Jakey Pennant is here and he wants to go joyriding and cruising for sexy ladyboys in Stoke city centre, that’s not an offer you turn down, mainly because JP will go bat shit mental and kill you to death with the same knife he used to remove his tag! 

If you can’t wait another week for my blog feel free to follow me @JamieFukinNess and tell me how annoyed you are at me for leaving Rangers.