13 September 2012

Ness/Miller: Part 1

by The Nessinator | CRO special guest | @JamieFukinNess |

He may be away in a HMS medical ward in Stoke, but he’s still scoring the big names for the CRO.

Today we bring you part one of the Nessinator’s interview with legendary commentator Tom Miller. In-depth analysis of Rangers, coming to you with Tony Pulis’ consent, exclusively from the Copland Road Organization.


Serious one first for you big Tommo: Is it a relief to finally be getting back to work talking about football rather than finances?

You bet! Every week through the summer I was on talkSPORT usually with Danny Kelly watching a fascinating and at times heartbreaking story unfold, and as we tried to make sense of it all the plot was constantly confused by the comment and actions of others who had their own agendas. They know who they are and reason is not in their vocabulary!

So when we finally got the go ahead to get playing at Brechin it wasn't just a sense of relief but it immediately galvanised the Rangers family to take our medicine and get the journey started.

Obviously it’s been a hard few months but thankfully for everyone involved guys like the Nessinator have been around. Who’s your favourite ‘parody’ on twitter and why?

Twitter has been brilliant! It's a wonderful tool for news debate and humour. We had it in spades through such a difficult period. It meant that Bears everywhere were up to date with a rapidly changing picture of what was happening at our club it also gave a great platform for debate but through it all we knew we still retained the ability to laugh.

Nobody makes me laugh more than The @RangersSeal. The Fishy Fella is quite simply bonkers but what a talent to put together his epic clips where nobody is safe from his cutting whiskers!

@JamieFukinNess and I have shared some memorable tweets, while I couldn't believe the recent rabid caller to Radio Clyde SSB who was convinced Ian Black's twitter account was really his!

For non football stuff you have to follow Roy Cropper and ask yourself how does he get away with it?

Twitter has also added a new dynamic in the way which fans and the club communicate, such as our pal mad Dicko (Andrew Dickson: The bald one) having his weekly rant about Rangers history, given you work in media is this something you feel the club could explore further?

The progress Rangers have made in social media in such a short period in time is remarkable. Most of that is down to @rfc_Rab who lives eats and breathes Rangers social media. Our pal @rfc_dickson just eats!! He could appear on Man v Food and boss it for weeks! But Andrew is such a passionate guy about his job and he found it particularly frustrating that he wasn't able to answer some of the questions that were regularly thrown at him during a very difficult period. Conversely @rfc_Smudger is the quiet man of twitter. When Smudge tweets you know he must be bored out his tree! There is no truth in the rumour however that he keeps carrier pigeons!

I am sure this method of engaging with fans will continue to go from strength to strength and all suggestions I am sure would be welcomed. Rab is your man!

Who would win a fight between Lee McCulloch and a Bus?

If it is a single decker it's no contest the Jig would win by a knockout! A double decker might take a wee bit more of an effort but again Jig would take it! The only one he wouldn't take on is a" Bendy"!

Sadly lots of players left during the ‘newco’ transfer. Who will you miss the most and why?

Strangely I'll miss Juanma Ortiz loads!

Every game Juanma would come down the tunnel hands stuffed deep in his pockets and looking as if he had found a Paseta and lost 10 Euros! Every week I would greet him in my very limited Benidorm Spanish and wish him well , ask how the family was etc. And every week he would smile and reply in rapid Spanish that I had no idea what he was saying but I would just nod smile and shake his hand. Great to see he is doing well in La Liga as he conducted his departure with dignity and respect for our club.

On the field Steven Naismith is the one I'll miss most. We all expected so much more from him when he was returning from his second major injury while at the club. A down to earth and quiet lad off the park but he developed into a beast on it with a winning mentality second to none. He was and is 4 players in one. A dream quality to have in the modern game. Everton have really got a winner at our expense.

Worst dresser at the club?

Far be it from me to slaughter the Beau Brummell qualities of the playing staff but the man I nominate who always looks as if he has got dressed in a power cut when I see him on the gantry would be our favourite freelance reporter Lord Graham Spiers!! He dresses like a headmaster from the 90s!! 18-90s! Spiers does for Ralph Slater what Stuart Slater (older readers will know who!) did or Celtic ! Feck All!!

If you could be any Rangers player past or present who would you be?

Any player? Wow!

First thought was Amoruso, or Tripod as he answered too! But as they say it's more about what you do with it!

Next up was my big pal Colin Jackson. He was engaged more often than the loos in Central Station!
Andy Goram was a contender but like him next time I get married I'm just going to meet somebody I don't like and buy them a house.

Paul Gascgoine? A real thoroughbred with the elegance, poise and speed of a race horse , the strength of a cart horse but the brains of a rocking horse ! Dismissed.  But what a player!

I’m going to settle on being The Master Slim Jim Baxter. Talent like you wouldn't believe and confidence to match. Anyone who plays keepie uppie at Wembley v The Auld Enemy then tells World Cup winner Alan Ball that "You might be a player when your voice breaks !" Had to be very unique & he remains my all-time Rangers hero. "Stanley" you are a Legend!

Now that we know Lee McCulloch is Superman which superheroes would other squad members be?

Skipper Lee may be carrying the title but the true Superman has to be Ian Durrant. He proved he was indestructible and has the Superman triangle tattoo to prove it ! He was inked on a club tour to Canada along with Super Ally and Goalie Andy Dibble after 9-in-a-row was secured. That indeed was the tatt of choice of the big goalie with the dates of his spell at Ibrox. When he shouted through to Durranty for the date of the Club's formation to enhance the design Jasper gave him a date just under 200 years previous. Fortunately he changed it before the artist had made it a permanent inscription !

Current Superheroes in the Squad ?

David Templeton would be Batman as he goes home to Robyn!

Ian Black would be Aquaman as he let's all the flack flow over him like water off a Ducks back and Fran Sandaza would be our XMan......have you seen his autograph ?

Many people probably don’t know this but the name ‘The Nessinator’ was the result of a conversation between myself and you on twitter, although initially he said I was a tampon because I was useless three weeks out of four! Give us a CRO exclusive: Possible nicknames for – Lee Wallace,  Dean Sheils and Ian Black.

Ian Black will now be known as "50 Shades" as in 50 Shades of Black and Blue as that is how he will leave opponents.

Dean Shiels will keep the Norn Iron tradition going as "The Magician from Magherafelt”!

Lee Wallace could be "Sir William". In 1395 his namesake was hung drawn and quartered by King Edward. That's what Hearts fans wanted for Lee when he joined Rangers. Now the big guy smokes King Edwards!

There is no truth in the rumour as far as I know that Kevin Kyle and Fran Sandaza answer to Salt n Pepper down Auchinhowie way because they are never off the table!

Charles Green seems like he’s starting to win the majority of the fans over. What are your thoughts on the new gaffer and is it true he once starred in Emmerdale or is that just a rumour I started in a blog?

Charles Green in Emmerdale?

Emmerdale is still Emmerdale with the same history and characters as it was when it was Emmerdale Farm! 'Nuff said!!!!

I would be delighted to buy Charles a pint in the Woolpack though!

That reminds me, I bought Craig Whyte and his WAG a drink in a Malmo Bar last year. Still waiting on the complement being returned!

Have you seen the deeds?

Deeds? Give me 5 minutes while I phone a friend. Now where did I put Bomber’s number?


Ness/Miller Part 2 is available here