18 April 2013

Craig Whyte: The Movie

by Andy McGowan | Contributor

The more things change, the more they stay the same. And so it is at Rangers. The Club may be owned and operated by a new company, it may have a new board of directors and it may play in a new division with a new squad but some things never change. We still play in blue, we are still the best supported club in Scotland, they are still obsessed with us and Craig Whyte is still talking unimaginable levels of bullshit. 

The latest installment of the 'Whyte Knight' saga is that wee Craig apparently plans to sell the rights to the story of his takeover and running of Rangers to some company who will inevitably be every bit as shifty and deluded as he is. Much like everything Whyte claims it will likely never happen. There will almost definitely be no Rangers movie but please allow me to indulge in the insanity of creating my own hypothetical film. This is my dream all-star cast: 

Craig Whyte - Christopher McDonald 

It had to be good old Shooter McGavin himself, the only man truly worthy and capable of taking on the role of The Whyte Knight. The googly-eyed conman claims he has paperwork that proves that Steve Buscemi was due to play him in a film that is nothing to do with Rangers but that it entitles him to one million pounds a year half of the film’s revenue and two tickets to the premiere.

David Murray - Danny DeVito 

David Murray: he’s short, fat and best known for not being able to run a company properly. Danny DeVito: he’s short, fat and best known for playing a character who can’t run a company properly. Capturing the personality of Minty Moonbeams, the very man who set Rangers on the road to ruin, won’t be an easy task and DeVito had some pretty big offers for other movies at the time. The negotiations were simple though. We just told him that if they offer you a fiver, Danny, we’ll offer a tenner. Should the movie go bankrupt however I'd just like to clarify that it’s definitely not my fault. I was duped, obviously.

Charles Green – Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan) 

Alan is described as “an insecure, superficial and narcissistic 'wally', concerned largely with status, the level of his public profile and the ostentatious possessions this allows him to. Partridge is a socially incompetent and awkward character prone to one-upmanship, embarrassing social faux pas and displays of deep insensitivity to social norms. His thoughtlessness and selfish lack of interest in anything beyond his own objectives exposes an unsympathetic character that is disliked and privately lampooned by many of those with whom he comes into contact. It is notable that he treats people with little more than disdain despite expecting complete loyalty from them in return.” Sound like anyone we know?! He’s even got the same 1970’s views of PC gone mad as our CEO! It’s a match made in heaven.

Martin Bain - Sacha Baron Cohen

The man who played Ali G, Bruno and Borat is absolutely perfect to play mad Bainsy. Like Sacha Baron Cohen, Martin Bain also gets paid a lot of money for pretending he’s something he’s not. Our former Chief Exec pocketed more than double what our current CEO does. You can’t hold that against him though, sunbeds don’t come cheap! Sacha is going to have to spend hours in makeup to achieve that characteristically orange glow of Bain, who somehow managed to appear a shade darker than the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex.

Alastair Johnston - Ian McKellen 

There's no particular reason other than they look vaguely similar and the fact that I also suspect that AJ might be Magneto. Think about it, have you ever seen Alastair Johnston and Magneto in the same place? Exactly. I rest my case.

Paul Murray - Richard Harris 

Richard Harris may seem an odd choice but give it some thought. Harris played the role of Professor Dumbledore in the first two Harry Potter movies before he died and was replaced by someone else. Pretty similar to Paul Murray who had a starring role in the Rangers saga before he disappeared when he found out Ticketus wouldn’t actually buy the club a second time without owning it and was replaced by a bidder who had more to fund his bid than empty promises and outrage. It's only logical.

David Whitehouse & Paul Clark – Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels 

Duff and Duffer are the greatest comedy act since Carrey and Daniels so it had to be them really. They may very well be the slowest, most incompetent tag-team in the history of football so let’s hope the Dumb and Dumber duo can do them justice. Whitehouse and Clark are also producing the movie so please expect delays. Oh and it'll probably cost more than we initially thought too.

Walter Smith – Marlon Brando 

This cunt is the Godfather and Superman’s dad. If Walter doesn’t get satisfactory answers from Charlie and Imran then they might wake up with a horse’s head for company. The only problem is that Marlon Brando is dead but, then again, we are zombies anyway so it shouldn’t be a problem. Newco Brando will be staunch as fuck as Walter, mark my words.

Ally McCoist – Ally McCoist 

He’s a man of many talents is the Gaffer. I mean, coaching a football team isn’t one of them but he’s got this acting malarkey down to a tee. Ally played a footballer in 'A Shot at Glory' so unlike the rest of the cast has acted in a football film before. We had some trouble on the set, me and Ally. He wanted Robert De Niro to play Imran instead of Charlie but, then again, he's always enjoyed playing people out of position. I thought he was going to quit when I told him the answer was 'no' but he doesn’t do walking away. Shut it that was a good joke…….aye it was………well fuck you then, nobody on Follow Follow likes anything for fucksake.

Jig – Rambo 

Staunch as fuck. 'Nuff said.

Imran Ahmad - Laurence Fishburne 

Laurence Fishburne: he's a Paki, right? He's not? Ah fuck it, they are all the same anyway aren’t they, Charlie?

Angela Haggerty - Samara Morgan (The Ring) 

One is a cursed little girl who has a disturbing and evil presence, the other is Samara Morgan from 'The Ring.' The resemblance between Miss Haggerty and a character from a horror film is no mistake. Director Gore Verbinski said he wanted to capture pure terror on the nastiest scale possible and, while doing an HND in practical journalism at Cardonald College, met Angela Haggerty.

Phil Mac3names - Keanu Reeves 

Keanu Reeves: rich, successful and a well put together young man if I do say so myself. Phil is none of these things but the cunt is most certainly plugged into the Matrix. Much like Neo in the Matrix trilogy, Phil is part of a fantasy world where he can bend reality to match what he thinks. He lives in a world where he can do and know anything, where he has power and superhuman abilities and is fighting the good fight. The reality is that he is a delusional, fat Xenohohobic old man who pretends he’s Irish and now writes fictional novels while the girl from The Ring furiously wanks him off.

Alex Thomson - Bert from Sesame Street 

When Bert first heard he’d be playing Alex Thomson he was sitting in front of the TV playing with his toys and he was very excited because, even though Bert is very pro-Rangers, he knows that they have indeed cheated. Alex was set to play himself in the movie but is incredibly busy being an award-winning journalist and pretending he’s in Damascus. Alex will be narrating the prologue for the movie despite the fact that he hasn't seen it.

And of course Will Smith as 'Darkie' Johnson.