01 July 2013

10 things we could have got for the price of Goian

by Andy McGowan | Contributor

After years of financial mismanagement the modern Rangers fan must be more than a football supporter, after all Rangers is more than a football club. We must be the inquisitors as well as judge, jury and executioner. It is our job not only to support the team on the park but keep the club honest in its dealings off it. I am sure some fans will totally disagree with that but then again those are probably the guys who rounded on guys like me for ‘not being proper Rangers fans’ when we questioned what the fuck Craig Whyte was doing three months in.

As responsible fans it is our duty on this occasion to ask why Dorin Goian was released on a free and not only that given his full £430,000 a year wage for his trouble. There is (according to the Herald) a lot of interest in Goian from clubs in England and in Turkey and Romania so presumably not only has the club thrown away £430,000 but they’ve given up any chance of a fee for the player. At worst surely he should have been loaned out and the club save almost £500k. 

So with another £430k sneaking out of the coffers it is our jobs as modern educated Rangers fans to ask – What could we have gotten for that sum? Let’s see just what the club could have had for that sizable chunk of cash.

11 bottles of Dom Perignon at £40k each: Our players are fond of drinking after shite performances and showing us so through instagram so why not do it in style with some Dom Perignon White Gold Jeroboam? 

2,459,485 Freddo bars: Yes that’s right we could have had 2 and a half million Freddos. £430k will buy you almost 41 thousand boxes of 60 Freddos. A free Freddo at every home game for season ticket holders would certainly endear Craig Mather to the fans. 

7,166 football lessons for Kyle Hutton from 1st Class Football Coaching: Now that would be money well spent at £60 a lesson.

A 31 year all inclusive holiday to Ibiza for Darren Cole: Thomas Cook – Good cunts, let’s take them up on their 7 nights in Ibiza for £261 and let’s take them up on it 1,647 times. Holiday Daz would be unbelievably fit after 31 years in Ibiza seeing as the only time he goes for a run is before his holidays.

34,400 full Nandos chickens: A weeks supply of chicken from Nandos would surely motivate our squad. We could even open a Nandos at Auchenhowie to encourage our players to turn up there sometime.

A parking space in Covent Garden for 96 years: I’m not sure why we would need a parking space in London but then again I’m not sure why we need Jon Daly and the parking space is cheaper…and more mobile. Maybe if a player has a shocker we can make him stand in the parking space for the day.

614 nights with a high class prostitute at £700 a night:
We were paying Goian twice as much a year as we could get a club hooker for! If we are going to get fucked for money we might as well enjoy it and who better to enjoy it with than CurvySavannah36 from Merchant City? 

14,300 grams of cocaine at £30 a gram: We could sell it at the turnstiles. It’s literally a license to print money. It’s almost criminal not to do it. And if we all start taking drugs before kick-off we might even enjoy the game.

1939 Daimler DB18 Drophead Coupe owned by Winston Churchill for £400k: We could use the left over £30,000 to drive Cribari back to Brazil. If you thought the riots during the Confederations Cup were bad just wait till the locals find out Emilson is in town. Also the only way Walter Smith could be cooler is if he turns up at Ibrox in a 1939 Daimler DB18 Drophead Coupe owned by Winston Churchill; you know I’m right. 

And 7,390 copies of the Homeland season 1-2 box set Blu-Ray: You know, just in case the football lessons don’t work out and Kyle Hutton needs something to do on match days.