08 May 2014

A summary of all things Rangers

by Scott Ferguson | Guest Contributor

Beware: sarcasm and fantasy to follow. (And no, it's not an official Rangers FC statement.)


There is so much going on at the moment that I thought it would be worthwhile summarising for those that may not be aware of all the happenings in the Rangers world.

First off – it has been completely proven without a shadow of a doubt that Chris Graham is indeed the most evilest man in the world...ever. A staunch Liverpool fan, he is of course inconsolable after watching his boyhood heroes throw away a chance of a long awaited title. Recently spotted chasing a blazer blowing down the street, Chris was described as "unshaven and jist dead evil like".

Dave King - a man who put £20 million of his own money into Rangers under David Murray and lost it/got it back/made a profit/spent it on hookers has come over from South Africa (penniless apparently) to work with the dastardly Chris Graham and the rest of the UoF (yes there are others) to achieve the destruction of Rangers - meanwhile recruiting Rangers legend Richard Gough to apply his name to the cause (obviously drugged and subject to cruel Jack Bauer 24-like torture techniques to do so). Although McMurdo has explained this by suggesting Gough has no clue what he signed up for (that be the drugs I expect).

Ally McCoist is a man under fire – having single-handedly agreeing bumper wage packets with his players without board knowledge he is solely responsible for spending over £70 million since starting the journey (this isnae fun) in the Third Division. Not only that but it is rumoured that he has been leaving broken glass on the under-20s training pitch in hope that he can injure the obvious Messi’s, Ronaldo’s and Pele’s we have hiding at Murray P...um I mean Auchenhowie (we changing that or what?) 

The hope being that if they are all injured then he won’t have to say silly things like "Rangers jerseys won’t just be handed out" or "these boys need to earn their place." Elsewhere Ally has been practising his voodoo magic to ensure that he continues to be able to prevent his players from remembering how to play football – it's a tough job for any manager to hold 11 voodoo dolls at one time and stab the right one at the right time so consistently that players are unable to make a three-yard pass – but this is surely the basic requirement for a manager on £34 million-a-week.

The Rangers board (good guys) are in a continuous battle against the powers of evil as they battle against poverty which they of course played no part in. With real passion and vigour these Struth-like figures have battled to be coherent and consistent in what they say. With a secret 100 per cent bonus to secure we can rest in peace knowing that at least Wallace is fighting for us all. His 120-day review was surely worth the £300-odd grand alone? It's fantastical vision of being a European force again within a few years makes for easy reading – it shows the measure of the man that we will be able to go from taking payday loans to winning the Champions League within such a short time and at only £130-a-word some would consider this a bargain. The emotional distress of making the little people redundant is also not easy – but to make a £300k omelette you have to break some eggs as they say...

Rangers have also let go of Andy Little, Ross Perry and Chris Hegarty in a terrible injustice - these under-performing former youth players who were given the chance to shine over prolonged periods (but failed regularly to do so) should have been kept on the books, if for nothing else but to prevent the current youth players breaking through.

On the flip side there are also calls for the entire squad to be let go! We should bring in younger players and of course play our current youth players. This call seems to be falling on death ears though which is an obvious disgrace - now that we are moving up to face teams full of full-time pros there will never be a better time to gamble our return to the top flight. Why this can't be achieved is unclear as at least 14 Rangers fans have managed to do this and win the Champions League within four years on Football Manager 2014.

Kenny Miller (or Kenny f*king Miller for short) could be in line for another return! Without knowing any details of what wages Ally will pull out his arse again secretly from the board (although it is rumoured to be at least £60,000-a-week) we are all truly aghast at the possibility of someone who knows exactly what playing for Rangers is all about returning to the club – regardless of whether or not he is still playing very well at a higher level it makes no sense to bring someone like him in just to score the goals that will seal our return to the top flight.

Oh – and it would be unfair not to mention our Sevco screaming rivals – the "yer deid" crew have recently opened a new path called the Celtic Way...I've not had the privilege of trying it out but I am told reliably that it is a sturdy path and I hear pavementologists are flocking to the scene to be part of such a historic achievement and to record these fine days in concrete history for the generations to follow. 

Although turnout was not as high as expected Celtic chiefs are hoping that foot traffic will increase after school uniform renewals have been completed.

Did I miss anything?

Oh yeah...Graham Spiers is still a dunderheid.