08 February 2019

God Bless America: Of Lions and Strangulations


When I decided to bring the CRO back (And more on all that later, maybe. Probably not. We're probably just gonna start doing shit and not explaining any of it.) I had to think about how to bring back some of the stupid crap we used to do without doing a six-hour podcast every week. God Bless America was one of those things that I felt was absolutely vital, in that it served a critical function to the people who visited our dumbass blog on a regular basis. The heavy bullshit must continue.

So here we go with the first GBA of the new CRO era. Headline, from the Coloradoan: "Runner kills mountain lion in self-defense after attack in Horsetooth Mountain Park west of Fort Collins."


Yep, we're back not even a day and there's already lions. And if you've already read this story someplace, good for you. I don't care because it's fucking amazing:
An unidentified man is recovering in a Fort Collins-area hospital after he killed a mountain lion in self-defense after the animal attacked him Monday afternoon at Horsetooth Mountain Park. 
The man was running alone on the park's West Ridge Trail when he was attacked from behind, according to an initial Colorado Parks and Wildlife release. The animal was later identified as a juvenile mountain lion, possibly weighing about 80 pounds or more. 
The man, whose name and place of residence have not been released, told authorities he heard something behind him on the trail and was attacked as he turned. He said he was bitten on his face and wrist but was able to fight and break free from the lion. 
While defending himself, he told investigators that he killed the lion by suffocating it. The account was confirmed by investigators after examining the lion. The man sustained serious but not life-threatening injuries.
Holy shit. If mountain lion means nothing to you, think of a puma (or as I would say it, poo-mah). Now think of it stalking and attacking you while you're out for a run. Now think of FIGHTING IT OFF AND STRANGLING IT TO DEATH WITH YOUR BARE HANDS. There aren't many people in the world I'd give a chance in a square go with Morelos—you know, the guy who hits punching bags harder than professional boxers and takes kicks to the face from repeat violent offenders—but you'd have to give this unnamed jogger some kind of odds, surely.


Oh yeah, tell us more about how Alfredo is the problem with Scottish football, Messrs Pundits. It should be perfectly plausible and not at all seeped in racism.

Anyway, meet the new CRO, same as the old CRO. Lions and pointless segues into American nonsense – and sometimes we'll even talk about Rangers and football.

-Shane